


I'm Coming Up Only To Show You Down

by TheGodWith5Yen



Series: Building the Universe [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 13:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13295736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGodWith5Yen/pseuds/TheGodWith5Yen
Summary: 2010. Dick Grayson attends his little brothers funeral.





	I'm Coming Up Only To Show You Down

**Author's Note:**

> I did this super quick, been in my head since last night. The title is from Band of Horses song The Funeral, which I've accidently associated to Jay so now gives me major feelings when I hear it.

**_October 18, 2010_ **

A hand clutched at his throat, pushing, holding harder and tighter. Choking, choking him until it felt like he couldn’t breathe, that there was nothing, no oxygen, no light, nothing to be around for. A shudder passed through Dick and he could breathe again, the invisible hand vanished for the moment. 

His own hands furiously wiped at his eyes, only causing them to become even more red with irritation. But God, did Dick not care. As long as he stopped his eyes from leaking like a faucet, that was the goal. Who gave a crap if he accurately looked like someone who just finished sobbing his entire heart out? Dick sure didn’t, not anymore. 

Not sure how long it took, but finally the heaving and gasping and tears was gone, and Dick was staring into the mirror, mechanically brushing back his hair into a ponytail. His eyes were puffy and rimmed red, the blue of his eyes startling him with how bright they looked compared to the dark, sick looking pink of his strained, cried out eyes. He licked his lips. 

He couldn’t stop staring at his eyes. He pushed his nose against the mirror, mouth slightly agape and fogging up the side of the glass. His eye stared into itself. Blue. Blue blue blue. It was like staring into the blank look Jay got- had- sometimes. So he stared at it, grasping for a strand of something, a connection between them, just for one fucking thing. 

“I’m so sorry Jay, I’m so fucking sorry.” His voice was wrecked and hollow. He could barely recognize it in his own ears. He felt so far away from his own body. Maybe if he stayed like this long enough, he could get through to Jason, see him, or- or- 

A knock at his door, loud and insistent, as though it wasn’t the first time they knocked. Dick slowly pulled himself away from the mirror. He clumsily opened the door, his limbs heavy with his emotions, weighed down by his mourning. 

Barbara stood in front of him. Her pale hand reached out, cupping his cheek. He leaned into her touch. Her face was tear stained and clean of any makeup. For once in all the time that Dick knew her, she looked subdued and terrified of what was to come next. She collapsed into him, hands holding his face. 

“Fuck,” she gasped out. “Fuck.” 

“Yeah.” Dick managed to breathe out, holding, clutching at the back of her dress. 

They let go off each other, slowly and mechanically. Their hands met and stayed together. 

The ride to the church went past Dick’s mind. He watched the familiar Gotham scenery and happenings. People walking through the streets, papers ruffling on the ground, homeless people laying back against buildings with their arms extended. His eyes jumped over them until they made it to Church of Our Lady of Grace. Despite Bruce being a relatively non practicing Jew, Dick similarly a non practicing Muslim since his parents death (though Bruce and Alfred had tried to help him practice his religion, of course), Jason had been a somewhat devoted Catholic. Alfred would drop him off at church- this church- early sunday morning when he went for groceries. 

He would have wanted a service here. That’s what they hoped at least. Could a teenager, a kid, a child really, actually put any thought into what his funeral would be like? Who would speak and who would carry his casket. Where would he be buried and-

It was his family who had to make the decisions, had to carry the box holding his body, young and, God, deserved a life so much. 

Dick’s neck itched. 

“I-” Dick choked out before shaking his head and cracking his knuckles absently. “Let’s go.” 

The process went by much like the drive did. Bruce and Dick held the front of the casket, Commissioner Gordon and Lucius Fox at the end, with Alfred in the middle behind Bruce. Barbara trailed behind them. 

His mind couldn’t process what the priest was saying, but he followed the gestures and sayings as they happened. 

Did Jason have any friends? 

The thought passed his mind unwillingly. 

Jay never talked about kids from school, and shied away from most of the other members of the Teen Titans. A lot of them openly didn’t like Jason, cause of his gruffness and need to handle any situation solo. Dick’s heart broke. He wished he made more of an effort to get the team to know Jay. That he wasn’t fucking off planet with them when Jason needed him the most. He couldn’t help the bubbling resentment growing in his chest. 

Who else attended? He couldn’t bare to look, not until they went to lower him- 

Fuck. 

The drive to the cemetery went the same as everything else for Dick. A piece of him screamed to wake up, look past the fog of his mind, stop dissociating and pay the respect that Jason needed and deserved. 

He couldn’t. 

It was like he was stuck in a limbo,. 

Words were said. Faces he recognized gave him hugs and pats on the back with sad eyes. Most people were there for them- him and Bruce- and didn’t truly know the wonderful, bright, wounded kid that was Jason Peter Todd. He wanted to cry. 

He did. 

A warm hand slipped into his. He glanced at Bruce, who looked as blank and scared and disheveled as ever. 

“ _ Dad _ .” He whimpered and dug his face into his fathers chest. Bruce held him there, letting him sob and feel and fuck, he felt more far gone and distraught than when his parents died. He wanted to berate himself, but maybe it was because he was older, knew that a young teenager like Jason shouldn’t have gotten what the cards dealt him, knew the kid as a brother. 

He pulled away from Bruce and watched as the casket was lowered. As friends eventually left for home or work- their lives. Bruce and Dick and Barbara and Alfred watched as a part of their life was buried. The shiny box slowly disappeared, covered by dirt. Gone. Like he was never there in the first place. Just like every other person, hundreds, buried around him before his time here. 

He glanced at the dirt. Dick could see him- dark skin, long limbs, broadening shoulders, smirk for a smile, bright blue eyes. He closed his eyes, opened them again, and the image was gone. A glance towards Bruce told him everything- for a moment, he saw him too. 

**Author's Note:**

> I cried a little when writing this, though I've been emotional all day... I hope this was good, I just kinda wrote it than pasted it here right away. Please leave some comments or kudos if you liked this story!!


End file.
